September 1st, 2010 was when I lost my Dad to cancer. It wasn’t until 2018 that I finally started grieving his death. After 8 years of suppressing everything I was feeling, I couldn’t handle it any more and it all came out at once. I went through depression, had social anxiety and suicidal thoughts—my life was completely falling apart. I had just become a Christian the year before, but I found it really difficult to go to God and trust him during this season of my life.
April 9th, 2020 was when I lost my Grandpa to complications after heart surgery. It was during level 4 lockdown when he passed away and we were in different cities. Not only was I unable to say goodbye to him in person, but I couldn’t be there with my family and I couldn’t comfort my little sisters, who were living with him at the time. I went through a process of feeling numb and not knowing what to do. I was anxious over not grieving as much as I thought I should be, and scared that it’d take me another few years to finally grieve his death, just as I had done with my Dad.
But I realise now that I actually am grieving—it’s just that this time I’m experiencing how God's grace and love are getting me through this process.
That’s the difference between how I’ve dealt with my Grandpa’s passing compared to my Dad’s. I’ve had God comforting me and filling me with his peace; as I cry out in frustration, as I vent and as I let out everything that’s been laying heavy on my heart and mind. I’ve been holding onto his truths in the Bible, thanking him for everything that he’s done for me and my family, and trusting and knowing that I will get through this because of him.
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